Accept, dont expect

Probably the magic moment in my marriage. The realization that I need to accept far more than I need to expect. A person is who s/he is. Unless the person sees a need to change, s/he wont. So, my expectations remain unfulfilled as she does not see the need to change. Unhappiness increases. So, I decrease expectations and increase acceptance. Now, I am more peaceful and happier.
Expectation goes down -> Acceptance goes up -> Happiness goes up.
And now I try to explain the same to my wife - expect less from me to increase your happiness. So far, not much success...

There will be no other world war

Who creates war? Power-hungry politicians (or "leaders").
What drives power-hungry politicians? Power and money.
How does one get powerful? By making more money.
Who sponsors the power-hungry politicians? Rich businessmen.
How do rich businessmen make money? Cheap cost of production (including cheap labor) and huge markets.
Where are the cheap labor and huge markets available? Several developing countries.
What happens if there is a world war? Cheap labor and huge markets will suffer.
So, what happens? Rich businessmen become less richer and hence wont sponsor power-hungry politicians.
So, what happens? Power-hungry politicians lose power.
So? So, the basic ingredient of war (search for more power) is weakened.
And then? War will cease and economies will be spurred by the power-hungry politicians.
So, why create war in the first place? Exactly.

Hence, there will be no other world war. Money drives the world today and will do so in the future. When businessmen and politicians can make money, why make war?

Pendulum - between hope and despair

I am swinging between hope and despair. Since the beginning, I take a situation to its extremes - good and bad - and that is how I think about where I need to go. That's just my nature. Since things are not working out for me on the job-front, I frequently think about bankruptcy, going back to the job I hate, being the object of ridicule, etc (the "despair" phase). And then, while travelling on the Bombay local trains, I see a 70-year old man, carrying heavy cargo, still in the daily pursuit of his bread - that I wonder - I have been given a higher pedestal than him so that I can avoid the daily pursuit of livelihood and instead do so much more, with the luck of being born in a much better place and time. Essentially, the 70-year old man got a raw deal, and I got much more than him. Should I be thinking of giving it all up and just 'existing', or should I use the higher pedestal to work even harder and go on the path I am passionate about? (the "hope" phase).
I know the swinging will continue, but I hope it does not result in wasted time on pursuits not worthy of the luck I have been blessed with. Maybe next time, I will be born as the guy who lugs around heavy cargo even till the age of 70, all to get my daily bread.

Dark night of the soul

Plagued by self-doubt, loss in self-confidence and unsure of what to do next...
I used to hear people go through all of the above (almost as a well laid out process) when they try to do something different from their regular life-path...
I dont know when these experiences will end: most likely it will be when I finally get onto the path I have chosen or I go back to the path I had deviated from...
The wait is painful, the mind is numb, the clouds are upon me....it's the dark night of my soul...

Finding myself as opposed to trying to become someone else

"Be creative", "Look at that guy - try to become like him", "Be bold, risk-taking", "Try to emulate great people", blah, blah, blah.
Teachers, parents, friends, colleagues, bosses, books and everyone else has been feeding me with such misguided advice for so many years now. Well-intentioned, but thoroughly useless, such advice has made me spend many years trying to become someone I am not and will never be (thankfully!). And in the process, I have lost sight of who I really am. The true essence of my being has been hidden (not lost) by layers of insecurity, fear, self-loathing and denial. I cannot blame anyone for this condition but myself. No one held a gun to my head - it was I who listened to all this 'advice' and followed it blindly.
I am coming out of this conditioning, slowly but surely. Introspection is yielding results. And other efforts towards discovering myself, such as studying what I like, working where I like, etc is accelerating the process of self-discovery. I have also discovered that "listening to instincts" is absolutely fabulous. Intuition/Instinct is such a potent weapon, and yet I have let it rust for so long. I am listening to it for simple tasks like holding back on an email and saving it in my "Drafts" folder because intuition says the time is not quite right to send it yet. Also my reading of people based on gut has turned out to be a far smarter thing to do than keeping everyone on an even keel as per the misguided notion of "treat everyone equal". Well, everyone is not equal when it comes to individual thoughts and actions. And the results of such basic actions have been saving myself from getting embarassed as well as saving myself loss of money. Intuition only gets stronger the more I use it - and I fully intend to do so from here on.

Becoming myself will define my next years on this planet. I am not planning to become anyone else than what I already am. And I will love myself for it.

The money-ghost

I was observing a married-friend-couple. They are both so rich. And happy. And we all started out almost on the same page. Makes me wonder if the money-ghost will haunt me throughout my life. I have taken steps to follow my passion instead of money, but the money-ghost still keeps showing up. I dont want to feel jealous of others who have money, but sometimes I do. Coz sometimes I think money is all that's required for a happy life. And then there are times when I think I'd rather live my life working on my passion. I am still confused. The "conviction" to follow my passion is weak at the moment because the money-ghost is visible. I know I'll never be super rich and I dont want to be either. However, I still want to be somewhat rich. The money-ghost will be around for a while...

In a weird frame of mind...

The program at UCLA ends in 2 weeks, and I'm back to India in 3. The reality of many things will hit me in the face...apart from the general environment, I will be plagued by intense boredom and a restlessness to get a job and start working. I know it, I can feel it. My resume will go out this week to some friends who will hopefully try their best to get me somewhere soon. I hate this sort of funk. I want to be too busy to even think... escapism may help if the energy is directed in the right place. Let's see...

Technology v/s Content in the game of money

Lots of exciting developments on the technology front are making content-owners running for cover to courts. While the content-owner (i.e. Studio) spends $$$ making movies, music, etc - technology allows rapid distribution at rock-bottom prices or even free (i.e. piracy). Now, what is interesting for me is that I am equally passionate about both technology and content! I would'nt want to see anyone lose and although this is a long-standing (and life-long) battle, it is always interesting to see which side wins in a court ruling. Redbox has been the victim of studios targeting it for rock-bottom rentals - where Redbox has conveniently sourced the discs from the wholesalers/retailers instead of from the studios. A simple business model. Loss of $$$ for Studios = Gain of $$$ for Redbox. In turn, Redbox uses the internet and floor-space within wholesalers to rent their discs, in effect reducing their operating costs drastically. (The only big expense they should have is paying their people for the supply-chain algorithm!) Studios have now restricted wholesalers from selling their discs to Redbox (!!) and Redbox in turn has sued the studios!
I am compelled to sit on the fence when such debates arise. As much as I love technology (which is the way the world is going), I am equally passionate about the value of content. I am watching these battles with bated breath. Whatever the ruling, there will be further excitement as each of the sides try to win in the game of business.
Where is the audience/consumer in all of this? Well, the audience wants the cheapest price for the product, so my guess is technology will eventually win, and studios will have to think 1o times before spending $$$ on movies that will not make them any substantial returns. I am happy to the extent that since "Stories" are the most important part of the movie, and as long as the story is told with passion, the studios will have to cut costs on other items - actors' salaries, special effects, etc. Exciting industry this!!

The "business" of "entertainment"

The past few weeks have been of great learning for me. On many occasions, I sit through hours of class, think for days on end, and then - in one blinding moment - realization dawns - or rather, clarity dawns. What I have realized through the Producing course at UCLA is that:
1) "Entertainment" is as personal a concept as love and hate. Everyone has a unique definition for it, based on who they are. Thus, when a show/movie is designed, I need to step out of my skin and put myself into that of the target audience. However personal the topic, I cannot cloud the vision of the project with my own biases. The show/movie is being made for the largest possible audience - the lowest common denominator. The show is not for me. It is for the audience.
2) The "business" of entertainment is simply that - a business. It is not meant to change lives or promote talent or prevent crime, or any of those glorious deeds I thought was possible. It is a business like no other - revenue v/s expense, profit v/s loss. I need to make shows for the lowest common denominator so my show makes the most money.

Some of the money I earn in this business can go into a "passion" project - one that is not designed to make money. And to enable these "passion" projects, I need to make many other projects that are not personal at all. Does this mean that I have to "endure the pain" of such projects? No way.
Sidney Lumet in his book "Making Movies" makes a great point. Making a movie (any movie) can fulfill one or many purposes: generate money towards bills and expenses, learn a technical or creative skill that is being used in the project, work with certain "Gods" of a particular profession (camera, sound, etc), etc, etc. In fact, he says do the first movie that comes your way if you are a newcomer - why? Because it will be your first. And you need to have a first, in order to have a second. And the skills you learn on each of your projects only makes you a better professional.

Clarity, really, is a wonderful thing.

I had a dream...

...about some really old (out-of-touch) colleagues and friends. It's almost like my brain got flipped over, and the older memories bubbled up to the surface. The strangest thing - I havent seen/heard or met any of them in at least 8-10 years if not more. And here in my dream, they were looking as bright and sharp as sunlight. So, I do the next logical thing - get out of bed and onto Facebook to try and find these folks. I find only one. And when I look at the picture, memories come flooding back strong and fast! It's an exhilarating feeling to see a person from 10 years ago, and get a rush of the past! These are the moments when it seems like life is just speeding along, no matter how slow it may seem on certain days/weeks.

Clarity is a wonderful thing

My thoughts are getting clearer by the day (or rather, I am removing the cobwebs I had spawned myself, all over my mind). Age and experience in one way or the other had clogged up so many creative areas of my brain, and I am cutting through all that to discover the simpler and happier things about myself. I only hope that opportunity and "luck" come around when my mind is all cleaned up and ready to GO!

Sadness about India's priorities

Here in the US, I look at the daily life - latest in technology reaching the public domain, the kids enjoying lots of outdoor games in well-maintained public parks, serious pursuit of hobbies by young and old alike, and many other things which appeal to my sense of a good life for a middle-class wage-earner.
When I surf the news sites of India, I hear about the same old clogged drains in Mumbai (leading to war-like traffic situation), education on auction, people fighting to create more states, ransacking of public property by political parties - things which make a middle-class wage-earner's life miserable and always at the mercy of his/her countrymen.

What affects ME may not necessarily affect everyone stuck in a muddle, during the mid-point of their lives. These differences in the lives of the same person in 2 different countries, make me wonder why I should go back to India - to the same problems that never get resolved, to the same mindsets that encourage cut-throat competition from early childhood in every walk of life, to the same struggle to stay one step ahead of the curve every single day.

Pros and cons considered - I think the US is a much better place for me to stay for the next few years. What happens after that is anyone's guess - and I dont want to think so far in the future.

Silly one-liners

Call me cynical, but I gotta say this. People have so little meaning in their own lives, that they hang on to the silliest one-liners and make it out to be some life-defining statement. Maybe its the clutter of the internet revolution, but I see the silliest one-liners on people's status messages on chat and networking websites. Why not just say what's your status? That's what a status message is! I've noted that especially in India (and my sample set is only India and US), people keep throwing one-liners and spend hours discussing those, like it's going to change their lives overnight. Words are to be lived, not just spoken, passionately discussed and forgotten - tell that to the "Argumentative Indian"!

In the USA

It's been a few days since I landed in the US. It all seems so familiar - in a nice sort of way. I dont know where the chase (of my dream) will take me. For now, I'm just soaking in the great weather (sunny days with cool breeze), enjoying time to myself and building up the momentum to the course. I can feel a story build up inside of me - my own, although a whole lot of my friends relate to what I will say. And maybe a larger population will relate to it as well. My theory of what a person becomes as a combination of internal AND external dynamics, is taking deep root as a philosophy of life. The idea of "Balance" is taking deeper root. The premise to the story is taking shape...the characters are lurking around somewhere, waiting to come on stage, the soundtrack is barely audible in the distance...a few more weeks and months and the story will come alive....my first!

Ladakh, Buddhism, and chasing my dream

I had an absolutely fantastic trip to Ladakh. It's a magical place with scenery that is so unique - desert, river, mountain and snow - all in one single photograph! I was just gazing out of the bus and watching the scenery unfold and transform every so often. And the serenity of being the only ones for miles on end (at least as far as the eye could see), was a feeling that humbled me. I had many "who are you" moments when I came face-to-face with the most majestic mountains - and my mind went back to the silly things I used to bother myself with at work and at home. And here I was standing - so little - in front of only one of God's innumberable humbling creations, and I asked myself the question - "who am I in front of this magnificient creation"?, "my worries are so insignificant as compared to what exists around me".

Buddhism came back into my mind and my life - the last time was when I travelled to Sikkim and Bhutan. The peace, the slow-and-almost-silent chants and the time-has-no-meaning feeling in a monastery pulled me towards the Buddha. When I sat with my eyes closed in the monastery, a number of thoughts went through my mind, and some of them started to shine - almost like I was being shown some truths of material and spiritual life. Some of these thoughts were:
1) Nirvana is about living in the present moment - free of the bonds of the past and the worries of the future.
This made my realize how much of my time gets wasted in thinking of the past and future, while what I have at that moment slips by forever.

2) Reduce the number of variables in your life.
I have overloaded my brain and my life with so many things - most of which that are out of my control. When I travel to work, I worry about the weather, the traffic, the conference call coming up, the sales figures, the tough client, etc, etc. I can hardly control 2 or 3 of these things, while the rest will never be in my control - the weather, for instance. Or traffic. And yet, these things occupy so much of my mind, that I get pensive and restless and lead a sad day yet again, without once realizing the pleasure of the song playing in my car and the pleasant memories associated with it.
In a larger context, I also worry about my marriage and my parents and my job and my house, etc, etc. The realization I had was that the monks renounce material attachments one-by-one until they are only living for the present moment. No attachments hold them back. No house, no car, no insurance payments, no boss, no spouse, no family. And I felt the awakening to the fact that I need to start reducing the variables in my life - one at a time. No sudden renunciation - that only leads to more unhappiness. One variable reduced at a time. One thing less to worry about. One step closer to blissful existence.

In 2 days, I embark upon the voyage to chase my dream - film-making, something I should have done 15 years ago, when I almost decided to apply to a course in movie making and management at UCLA. I am heading to UCLA now to pick up the string I had let go of - in the foolish pursuit of a "safer" and "happier" life. I feel now that I need to chase my dream sooner than later, so that no more time is wasted. I don't know where this will lead to, but the desire and passion to finally pursue my dream are too compelling. I am giving myself time and the opportunity to do something I've always wanted to do - with the support of my family - in the hope that it will lead to a happier and more fulfilling life. At the same time, the idea of "Balance between reality and dreams" is making me more grounded in my approach. I dont want reality to derail my dreams. And I cannot ignore reality. So, I will balance the two - because balance is really what material life is about. And the more I am cognizant about this balance, my actions will be more effective. And my dreams will become reality sooner. And my life will be happier.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I share lots of commonalities with individuals of this time-less comedy series. What is important though is that each person retains their individuality through the whole long series. Now, I hope I can retain my individuality through my own life-series!

After the hiatus...

It's been a while... almost 5 months since my last post...and boy, how things have changed since then. The new perspectives gained and the new decisions made. Life has changed quite rapidly for me in the past few months, and my intuition (something I've ignored for long) tells me it's all going to change for the better.

I have resigned my job without another waiting for me (screw the "Plan B" thinking, screw the recession)
I am travelling to the lovely land of Ladakh on a vacation (which was LONG-pending)
I am travelling to LA to pursue my dream of joining the entertainment industry
I have put "Health and Happiness" as my theme for life. (Screw the "I want to be CEO" bullshit)