Middle of extremities: Aware...and Unsure.

I am in a zone these days. Dont really feel like talking much to anyone about anything. There is nothing much to say anyways. And the last thing I need is to hear negative stuff about my situation. It's a weird feeling when compared to the excessively social phase I've been in for a long time in my life now. It's also a phase of inner discovery, of contemplation. Of trauma transformation. Of making peace with myself and the world.

But I also feel hope - and its certainly a weird combination of opposite polarities of hope and despair that I feel almost simulataneously. Maybe I'm becoming more mature and more calm, more level-headed. Maybe extremities don't bother me. Which is great, because that's what Vedanta advocates. And I have become a life-long student of Vedanta. Maybe this phase was essential for my spiritual awakening. Which gives me hope that all this was for the better and that other things will fall in place soon. I do wonder if I should continue hoping? Or should I give in to despair and take up any job that comes along? (which, by the way, is not happening at all!).

So, I am in the middle of extremities. Hope and Despair. Totally aware of being in the middle. Totally unsure of how to proceed from here. So, help me God.

Helplessness, Surrender

I am utterly helpless...the first 'anniversary' of me quitting my last job is around the corner and I still dont have a job I've been trying to get for the past year. I have met almost every studio/network worth joining and still no luck anywhere...
I am at a stage of complete and utter helplessness (which I have hardly ever felt throughout my life). I do not know what I need to do next. I have started applying to the same old IT jobs in the hope that at least I can re-start my salary, and that it will give me a mental boost to keep my search going in the Media/Ent space. But no response from IT jobs too!!

I surrender...what will be, will be.

What I want to do versus What I can do

I went for a meeting with a HR person at a TV company. She asked me what I want to do and I said I want to be in the "business of content" - it was a broad brush-stroke since I did not want to (nor could I) be too specific and rule myself out of possible openings in other areas. She said I should do what really interests me - and I thought to myself - that's nice. Here's a person who can understand me. So, I said I want to be on the Production side.

And she said I dont have relevant experience there! WHAT? I know that, but you asked me what I really want to do!

So, then I said let me do what I've done before - which is something on the Sales side.
And she said if its not what I want to do, then I wont enjoy it! WHAT? I know that, but then I'll never be able to get in!

Each time I meet someone new, I get stuck in this Catch-22 situation. And whether I go prepared (which doesnt help!) or take it as it comes, the result is the same - it's almost like people who dont want to help are looking for a reason to not help! Why? Just introduce me to the functional heads and let them decide! Jeez!!

Karma and Intentions

I have begun to believe in Karma. And I feel sad that only actions are judged, never intentions. So, if I dont get a chance to do a good deed, am I not eligible for good things to happen to me? Even if I never wished anyone any harm and always wished the best for others? Dont intentions matter at all?
I feel the current joblessness streak is a result of Karma...either I've done bad things to people (not true) or I've not done enough good things to people (could be true, but it was never intentional). So, what exactly is going on here? When do I get a job? When I go out of my way to do good things (but then, that's like bribery, isnt it?)?

Doors slam shut

I am tired of doors being slammed shut on my face. No recruiter wants to take a chance on me. None. They want someone who's done the same thing, to yet again do the same thing. I dont get it. I think talent, hard-work and genuine passion in the work is at the top of the list of anyone I would hire in my company - but the recruiters are scared shitless and want to hire 'safe bets'.

I watch multitudes of people walk in and out of offices, trudging along, hating their jobs and yet doing it mindlessly. I made a choice to stop doing that and go after something I really love. But its so damn difficult to convince anyone that I can do better than most people they have in their teams. Because I am committed, I can slog my arse off, and I am talented and I am passionate. Looks like these things dont matter. Only 'relevant experience' does. Shitty, relevant, mindless experience.